major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: