There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I feel attacked.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”