I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.