I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]