Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool