dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.