Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and