A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh