Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
we all know this pain all too well
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Who does Amazon think I am?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.