Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey