Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Just a reminder, folks:
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
The Birdles
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you