Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.