[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just ran a .003048K
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
How actors in movies eat their food
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*