Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this