Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks