Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My inexpensive home security system…
Sing it!
Had to try this trend 😊
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.