Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?