Sell your car
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found my next D&D character name
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Oh hi lol
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.