My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Never ghost your hitman.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.