Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions