Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.