Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest