Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.