Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!