parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
🤣🤣🤣
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”