H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
termite twitter scares me
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
lmfao
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Adultry does not sound fun at all
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink