4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You Might Also Like
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.