nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Twitter fine art
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.