NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Xylophonist Shredding It
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
oh shit
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?