Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.