Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.