I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts