i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
a lot to unpack here
Home is where your toilet is.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.