mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I missed you with all my darts
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.