just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?