9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat