What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
The struggle is real.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Message from the dog groomers
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.