A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.