I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
In Canada they just call them geese
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening