Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.