an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
do what now??