This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*