I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
only 11 steps left
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Never mess with a drunken pig.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?