[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet