Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Britain be like
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie