Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.