[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…