Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.