Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.