[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog